The Adventures of A Sarcastic Douchebag
by CelticPheonix
Summary: When two new kids are added to the B1 universe, what will happen? Spoiler alert: Shit will happen. Not the good kind either. Wait, IS there a good kind? Ah, whatever. Stop pondering the meaning of shit and read this story already. Warning: First story, probably not very good. Constructive criticism welcomed.


Disclaimer: I do not own Homestuck. I merely conjure this intrepid fantsyscape from the legalese-weary eyes of fifty thousand sadly real copyright lawyers. In other words, I writ fanfiction and paraphrase Andrew Hussie.

=== Be Awesome McCoolname

You cannot be Awesome McCoolname, as that is a TV Trope. You decide to be a sarcastic douchebag instead.

=== Be Sarcastic Douchebag

Your name is MORGAN RAMSEY and, as was previously mentioned, you have a penchant for EXTREMELY SARCASTIC DOUCHEBAGGERY. You have a variety of INTERESTS. You like ANIME and SCIENCE FICTION, and enjoy occasionally employing REALLY SHITTY PUNS to annoy your friends. You have a fondness for COOL SWORDS, which is a -kind in your STRIFE PORTFOLIO, and have studied swordplay for several years, including THREE FORMS OF LIGHTSABER COMBAT. You prize practicality in your sylladex, and thus use an ARRAY MODUS.

Your chumhandle is SarcasticDouchebag.

What do you do?

=== SD: Examine Strife Portfolio

Why do that? You know exactly what's in there. One Swordkind specibus, assigned with a PERFECTLY NORMAL KATANA, one witkind specibus, assigned with a SILVER TONGUE, and your prized and trusted Orwellkind specibus, assigned with a SIGNED COPY of "1984 And Animal Farm, BY George Orwell". What's so hard to remember about that?

=== SD: Examine Orwellkind Specibus

Ahh, Orwell. He never ceases to astound you with his cautionary tales of crapsack worlds, caused by people wanting too much power, and getting it. This particular specibus is hard to master, but fairly powerful once you get the hang of it. You generally stick to witkind though. It's safer for everyone.

=== Examine contents of room.

In your room you have... you have... What do you have? You have so much stuff that you can rarely remember it all. You decide to look. You find ONE (1) REALLY SHITTY KATANA, ONE (1) BUNCH OF CHAINS AND GEARS from your latest steampunk exploit, ONE (1) LAPTOP, TWO (2) DESKTOP COMPUTERS WITH MONITORS, SIX (6) VIDEO GAMES (Bioshock 1+2, Mass Effect 1+2+3, and Dishonored), FOUR (4) MOVIES (V for Vendetta, The Punisher, Hellboy and Ghost Rider with Nic Cage), ONE (1) METRIC SHIT-TON (St) of M:TG CARDS, and TOO MANY TO COUNT (~) PILES OF BOOKS. There are, obviously, some things you have missed or skipped, but those could never be important in any way, could they? You ponder this as you glance at your CHEKHOV'S GUN hanging on your wall. Oh yeah, you also have a CHEKHOV'S GUN hanging on your wall. Can't forget that. It'll be important in the next scene.

=== Turn on laptop and check pesterchum

Your laptop is already on, douchebag! You never turn it off!

=== Just check Pesterchum, then

Ok. You can do that.

===Check Pesterchum

Only one of your chums, AyemPhukt, is online. This is good because you only HAVE one chum. You often wonder about her chumhandle, then you realise it's a joke, the you forget again when you lose interest. You decide to pester her.

=== Pester Chum

SarcasticDouchebag (SD) started pestering AyemPhukt (AP) at 7:35am

SD: Hello.

SD:Have you received the game yet?

AP: yeah

AP: the fuck am I s'posed to do w/ it?

SD: Install it.

AP: yeah, no shit douchbag.

SD: Your point?

SD: That IS in my handle, you realise.

AP: fuck you.

SD:Don't you mean Phukt you?

AP: (facepalm)

SD: Indeed.

SD: In all seriousnesss however,

SD: You have to install both applications, the run the server.

SD: Once you've done that, wait for me to connect.

SD: I will then do the same.

AP: 'k. got it

SD: Good.

SD: I'll see you in...

SD: What, two hours? Maybe two and a half?

AP: i guess so.

AP: bye

SD: Seeya.

=== Do a little dance

What? Why would you do that? And even if you did, it's not like that actually MEANS anything in this textual medium. You might as well say "Jump around a lot and say woohoo, woohoo,woohoo", or "End this chapter". How could you even DO that?

=== End chapter

Oh. That's how.

A/N: This is my first story. I'm just getting the hang of things, and would appreciate feedback. Especially criticism of a constructive nature.

-CP turns into a massive flaming eagle.-

-CP walks out from behind hologram of a massive flaming eagle-

-CP says: "Review please! I LIKE REVIEWS!". You think he is slightly creepy-


End file.
